5 Weeks 4 Days

I had no idea that Sunday, July 15th, would be spent in the ER hearing a random doctor tell me news I never wanted to hear.  It all started when I started to spot a tiny pink clot on Saturday night.  It was more discharge mixed with a twinge of blood, and if I didn't stare at my toilet paper after each wipe I would have missed it.  I freaked out, cried, called my doctor on the help line, and awaited her phone reply.  She called back within a couple of minutes and told me to wait it out, move up my appointment, and if the blood turned bright red to to to the ER.

Fast forward to a lazy afternoon on Sunday.  I took it easy and laid on my left side the entire day.  When I got up to use the restroom, I would check my toilet paper each time right under my nose.  When I sat back down after one trip to the restroom, I felt something different.  I went to the bathroom and sure enough - red blood.  I had a minor freak-out and called my sister since Brian was at work.  After about 45 minutes of little red spots on the paper, I decided to go to the ER.

It was the scariest moment when I decided to go, but I was a lot braver than I ever thought I would be.  Driving down Lake Shore Drive by myself was scary, but I called my sister and she talked me through the safe driving and keeping focused.  I checked myself in and waited in room 7.  I peed in a cup, they took my blood and took two efforts for an IV.  Just as Brian was coming down Diversey, they took me up for an internal ultrasound.  The ultrasound technician was not able to tell me anything since I was an ER patient.  When I left the ultrasound room, Brian was waiting for me.  It was such a relief to see him, and I almost started bawling.  We went down to "our room" and waited.  I was feeling a bit nauseous from the nerves and from being hungry.  Brian distracted me with Price is Right app and conversations.

Finally, the ER doctor came in and told me the news.  My HcG levels were only 400 which is VERY low.  The ultrasound showed nothing since the numbers were so low which is typical of that level.  Not typical is the low number, but she said it is only one number.  The true indicator is if the number doubles in 72 hours or increases by 66% in two days.  I am going to get blood work tomorrow and will get the results on Wednesday at 2pm from Dr. Diakos.

Part of me wants to hold out for increasing numbers and a healthy pregnancy, but I think I know deep in my heart this is not the baby I will deliver and take home.  I am slowly healing from this idea and to build my hopes up again will just be crushing on Wednesday.  A mother's instinct must happen early because I just have one with this little appleseed.  I feel crampy, sick, and the blood on the paper does not feel right.  We will see, but for now I am pretty sure I know where this will be going...