Brian visited his family in Philly for the 4th of July, and for the first time in four years I was unable to go with him due to work and that the 4th fell on a Wednesday. I stayed back in Chicago and went to see fireworks with a friend, Sarah Pullins.
All week I was fighting a cold and felt sore. Every morning, my body felt like I had been working out - although I clearly was not! After work on Thursday I decided to get my passport photo at Walgreens and start that process of changing my name on the travel document. When I was there, I decided to pick up a digital pregnancy test since I was one day late. Back story - I have peed on many, many sticks over the four months. I always used the sticks with the lines, but this time I decided to spend a little more money and get the one that would just digitally spell it out to me - not pregnant.
I got home and immediately used the test although I had just used the restroom at school about an hour ago (you usually are supposed to use first morning urine or wait three or four hours). I walked away from the bathroom, came back in and started to read the directions, and glanced over at the test and this is what I saw...
I started to shake. I could not believe that here I was actually seeing a positive test. I had all of these ways of telling Brian - I even made an iMovie! - but he was hundreds of miles away! I immediately called him and told him over the phone in no cute way. I think he was more shocked than anything. I then called my friend, Elysia, who has been very comforting at school and open with me about the entire process of trying to conceive. She was very excited and gave me next steps of what to do while I was sitting there with a wet stick in my hand. I called my parents next, and my mom was very excited! I think she was a bit apprehensive of trusting the home pregnancy test, but I kept reassuring her that things have changed over the last 30 years. I then called my doctor, and they made an appointment for my first prenatal visit on July 31st. My sister was the next phone call and many text messages between Brian and me.
I made the decision to tell close friends. If something happens, I do not want to deal with the grief on my own and knowing myself, I would tell everyone then anyway. I look to my friends and family for support and what better time to have it then now! Also, you only get 40 weeks of pregnancy, I am already finished with four, why wait until 12 or 14 to wait to celebrate!
As for now, I am reading a lot (probably too much!), overanalyzing every twinge or little cramp in my stomach, and still taking home pregnancy test. I have taken five so far to see the positive, and I know I will continue to do so until July 31st...
I am terrified of losing the baby, and I cannot believe how attached I am already at 4 weeks and 4 days. Right now, Baby Brown is the size of a poppyseed but already has a huge place in my heart. It is not just about the nursery, rearranging our house to maximize space for the baby, and the maternity leave but more about the fact that the man that I love and married eight months ago and I created a new life and it is living inside of me right now! A lot of good thoughts and hope will carry me to my first appointment to confirm it is all real, through the next 12 weeks of uncertainty, and the next 36 weeks until we meet our healthy baby!
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